Sleeping in the Storm

I just started year fourteen of my teaching career – year ten with the NCOE school district. As everyone knows, nothing about this year is “normal.” I have to admit, the usual excitement I feel at the beginning of the year has been tainted with fear – both of the virus, and of the unknown. No matter how many years any of us has in this career, we are all brand-new teachers right now. We are navigating new territory. And as amazingly prepared as I feel our district is, the truth is, none of us have a clue how any of this will play out.

And that terrified me.

My students have asked me more than once over the years why I like teaching junior high kids. And I always tell them with a smile that I truly couldn’t imagine doing anything else. I love my kids, and I love reading and writing. Getting to read and write with my kids? My dream job. I also tell them one thing I love about junior high is that no day is ever the same. I never know what they’re going to say or do, or how my lesson is going to go, but after this many years, I’ve learned how to be ready for the unexpected. I thrived on it. I am a planner, and while my weeks were neatly written out in my plan book each year, I always came prepared with extra activities and back-ups in case things didn’t go the way I thought they would. I was ready to drop everything and re-teach if the kids weren’t getting it. I felt I was up for any challenge.

But this?

This is different. So many things to consider. All these new worries, the biggest one of which being my kids’ safety. Yes, unfortunately, we’ve had to worry about their safety in school for a long time now. But not from a virus. All these new rules…all our old ways of teaching essentially thrown out as we prepare for a new era. Not to mention the potential danger of exposing my own family members to this illness. I’ve never considered myself a worrier, but suddenly, I was losing sleep every night because I couldn’t shut off my racing mind. What was best for our students? What was best for our community? What was best for my family?

I realized in the midst of my stress I was struggling to pray. Every night, I found myself trying to give it to God, but my mind would run away with my worry and I couldn’t stay focused. I found myself reading my Bible, but struggling to concentrate. And with each passing day, the peace I usually carried with me slipped further and further away.

Finally, I decided enough was enough.

I got down on my knees and told God I was sorry. I was sorry for letting my situation get bigger than He was to me. I wanted to repent of my fear, but I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I gave it to Him. God tells us in the Bible we will find Him when we seek Him with all our hearts. Determined to find Him again, I started seeking Him like I never have before. And I’m so thankful for the revival I have in my heart. I can’t even describe it. He is speaking to me in new, amazing ways.

One of my favorite things about the Bible is the way I can re-read it over and over and God gives me new things to take from it every time. It is truly alive and living! I want to share something God put on my heart recently in my study, something that has helped me so much as we try to navigate this strange time.

In Matthew, chapter 8, Jesus and His disciples were in a boat when a great storm arose. The boat was being thrown around with the waves, terrifying the disciples. They thought they were going to die and in desperation, went to find Jesus. To their surprise, they found Him asleep. When they woke Him, “He rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm” (Matthew 8:26). The disciples were amazed by His power, amazed by the fact that when He spoke, the wind and waves obeyed Him.

This is one of my favorite stories from the life of Jesus, one I’ve shared with my youth group more than once. But what I overlooked time and time again is that in the midst of a life-threatening storm, Jesus slept. I had read that part before, but I chalked it up to exhaustion. He had been traveling around, teaching and healing the multitudes, with huge crowds following Him everywhere He went. Of course He was exhausted.

But as the storm raged, He didn’t sleep just because He was tired – He slept because His mind and heart were full of peace and trust in His Father. While the disciples looked at the storm and ran around in panic, He wasn’t shaken. He rested in total faith.

So we have a choice. We can look at the storm around us and race around in panic, feeding on each other’s anxieties and letting the news and social media work us into a frenzy.

Or we can remember that God is in control. We can remember that nothing about this “storm” is bigger than He is. None of this is a surprise to God. There is nothing in our days He hasn’t already seen. He knows how and when this will all end. And He promises, “I am your refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). He is with us – He will protect us – He will strengthen us. He never promised this will all go smoothly, but He did promise He would never leave us to handle it alone.

I choose to trust Him. I choose to keep my eyes on Him while the storm grows around me and remind myself over and over that He is my refuge and strength. I choose His peace and rest. I choose to focus on the blessings He still puts in my path every day – blessings I often miss when my worry takes center stage, where He should be. That’s what He wants for me – peace. And it’s what He wants for you, too.

With that said, I CAN’T WAIT to see my kids’ faces on Thursday – masks and all. I know they’re going to be rock stars and handle these changes with ease. I pray I can be who they need me to be in all of this: the calm in the middle of the storm. I ask you all to pray over our schools: our students, our teachers and staff, and our communities. Pray for protection and for wisdom to make the right decisions for our students’ well-being and safety. We will get through this, and I believe God will move in big ways this school year. Let’s not let our worry keep us from the many blessings He has prepared for us.

What I Learned When the World Stood Still

On March 16, 2020, I said good-bye to my students for what I thought would be two weeks. Just before the final students left my classroom, one said, “Do you think we’ll be out for the rest of the year?”

I waved my hand and dismissed it. “No, of course not. Maybe a month, tops. I’m sure we’ll be back here after spring break, worst case scenario. But I bet it’ll be even sooner.”

I had no idea what was coming.

Most of us didn’t, I would venture to say.

I had no idea that March 16 would be the last day I would see my students in my classroom for the school year. I had no idea that the world would stop spinning for a little while, that we would all sit in our homes and watch as an invisible killer ravaged our country, our world. I had no idea that our nation, already so split, was about to become even more divided.

Before you stop reading, please know that this post will not be political. I don’t care what side of the fence you sit on, or if you’re straddling the middle, like I am, watching so many from both sides spew hate back and forth and feeling more and more each day like you don’t have a place you fit in.

What I have on my heart today has nothing to do with your political affiliations, or your thoughts on COVID-19, quarantining, and face masks.

Here’s what I know, and it’s true for every single one of us: one day I was going on about my daily life, my normal routine…and then I wasn’t.

My job went from what I knew – seeing my students every day for language arts and reading class – to navigating this strange world of trying to teach seventy-five students from home. And I fully realize that I’m one of the lucky ones: at least I still had a job. So many in our community suddenly did not. So many with families who suddenly didn’t know how they were going to feed them; so many with children suddenly at home and no one to watch them so they could work.

My church could no longer meet. Our 3D Youth group, one of my absolute favorite parts of my life, was put on indefinite hold. This group of kids had been growing and thriving each week. Kids were giving their lives to Jesus and seeking God more and more all the time. Our church was in the planning stages of building on a gym to accommodate our rapidly-growing group. And just like that, it was brought to an abrupt stop.

The Bible tells us that in the days of Noah, people were going on about their lives – working, eating and drinking, marrying, starting families – oblivious to the fact (maybe ignoring by choice) that the flood was coming.

I, just like them, took for granted that life, as I knew it, would go on. I fell easily into my routine, going through the motions of each day. In my wildest dreams, I never would have imagined the whole world could have come to a standstill, in a sense.

But in the midst of it all, I have had the joy of watching God work. I’ve seen Him in those who have reached out to help their neighbors who are struggling. In the encouraging words I hear offered to those who are stressed. I’ve seen Him working even through Facebook, as our pastor and so many others have been able to reach whole new audiences online and we’ve been able to hear God’s message from the comfort of our couches.

I’ve seen God work in these last two months in ways I never really have. In this new version of my life, simplified in ways, I’ve been able to slow down and really look for Him. I’ve seen Him in the extra time I’ve gotten to spend with my kids. I’ve watched Him work in my family as we’ve had so much more time together. I’ve watched Him bring my husband and me closer through such simple things, like walking side by side while our children ride their bikes ahead of us, carefree and oblivious to the chaos all around us. I’ve had the chance to share Him with my kids in ways I never have before, seeing Him in His creation that’s been all around us all this time, though I didn’t often take the time to look. I’ve seen His hand in the simplest places – snuggled on the couch under an old quilt with my kids as we enjoy a new tradition of a nightly movie; watching my boys learn how to play hopscotch on the board I drew on the concrete with sidewalk chalk; giving them a bath each night and draining the tub to find a ring of dirt from a day of hard play.

I know that for many, this time has been so stressful and I don’t in any way want to take away from that. My heart aches for those who have been affected by this virus. It hurts for those who feel the heaviness of loss in some way – the loss of someone, or their livelihood, or just the loss of simple human contact. It breaks for those are hurting in this time, financially or mentally or however it may be. Please don’t mistake my words to mean I’m thankful for this virus.

But I am thankful to see that like the Bible promises, God is still working things for good. He is still in control. I don’t know why He hasn’t taken this from us yet, but I’ve learned the hard way that His ways are not mine…that He has a plan I often can’t see until much later. I’m not a stranger to heartache. I know what it means to love and lose, to feel like I have nowhere to turn…until God became my only option. My last resort, I’m ashamed to admit. But He was there, waiting to take me back in, willing to forgive the years I had run from Him and restore me. He didn’t take away my problems. He allowed the hurt, allowed me to go through something I couldn’t endure by myself, and in His beautiful way, taught me to rely on Him. And while we’re suffering through this pandemic, He’s suffering with us…but He’s going to bring so much beauty out of the ashes. He never promised to take away our storm, but He did promise to be there with us as we go through it. And He has been. He’s been with us every step of the way, and He will continue to be.

So here’s the thing: even as our lives begin to “move forward” again – whatever that will look like – I don’t want to take my days for granted the way I used to. I don’t want to get swept up in the busyness, in the “going through the motions” kind of life. I want to live the purpose I have, and that is to share the love and light of Jesus.

To my family, my friends, and those strangers who may be reading this: it’s time.

If you don’t know Jesus – really know Jesus – it’s time.

Nothing in this life is guaranteed. Your family, your friends, those things in which you find your fulfillment – none of it is permanent. We are not promised tomorrow.

But there is a great big God out there, a God who loves you so much. A God who knows you – your innermost thoughts, your deepest secrets, your flaws, your past, your mistakes – and still loves you more than you could ever understand. He created you, and He designed an amazing plan for your life. He wants nothing more than to help you fulfill it, walking through life with you every step of the way. A God who knew your sin would keep you out of heaven, so He sent His only Son to die on the cross and take your place, defeating death for you and taking the punishment you deserve but don’t have to receive. A God who gave up His place in heaven to come to earth in human form and endure unimaginable pain and humiliation, knowing it was the only way to save you. A God who knows you may reject Him, but loves you enough to keep seeking you, to forgive you time and time again.

All you have to do to receive this promise of heaven is accept the gift of His Son, Jesus. He wants you to come to Him, to invite Him in and let Him shape you into the person you’re made to be. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done in the past. It doesn’t matter if you think you’re too far gone – you’re not. You don’t have to “get your act together” to come to Him. He wants you right now, just as you are.

Maybe you’ve been hurt by the church before. Maybe you hear the words of others, or the see the actions of others, who say they’re Christians, and think you don’t want any part of it. If this is you, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry those who claim the name of Jesus have let you down. But I want to tell you that even the best-intentioned Christians mess up, that we fail all the time, as much as we try not to. That’s what this is all about: it’s not being perfect – it’s about realizing you’re not perfect and you need a Savior. It’s about surrendering and asking Jesus to work in your heart. It’s about failing, and asking for forgiveness, and letting Him mold you day by day. It’s about starting right where you are, just seeking Him and inviting Him in…and letting Him take it from there.

The Bible promises that if you seek Him, you will find Him. What better time to start than right now? We don’t know what tomorrow will hold, but as the old hymn says, we know Who holds tomorrow. In the midst of the fear, the stress, the panic, you can experience His peace that surpasses all understanding. Whatever your burden, you don’t have to carry the weight of it anymore.

He is waiting. His arms are open, ready to welcome you in. Give Him a chance and let Him transform your heart and your life.

 

The Perfect Christmas

We began preparing for Christmas weeks ago. Months, even. Like most moms, I made a list of what to buy for each family member and started checking off the items all the way back in October. I planned and booked all the traditions our family has started over the years – the overnight Polar Express trip, the visit to the local nativities, the visit with Santa, the nights driving around to different towns to see all the Christmas lights. I wanted everything to be perfect for our boys. I wanted them to feel all the magic of the season. I wanted them to make memories they would carry with them long after they’ve grown up.

I would venture to guess that most moms feel the same way I do. Most of us are so excited to see our kids’ faces light up when they open the present they wanted so much. Most of us want to share every experience with our kids that we can, helping them fall more in love with this beautiful season. It’s a universal truth: moms want the very best for their kids, the best we can possibly give them. And while we are working so hard, we constantly question ourselves. Are we doing enough? Are we giving enough? Are we being the mothers God made us to be? Are we teaching our kids to love Jesus and love others? Are we giving them our best while showing them to appreciate what they have and give to others as well?

As I re-read the Christmas story for what must be the thousandth time, I imagined what it must have been like to be Mary. She was just a teenager. Pregnant, though not married. Engaged to a poor man. This baby she carried – it wasn’t his. The angel had appeared to her and told her she would give birth to the Son of God. Imagine her excitement…and her anxiety. Not only was she about to be a new mother, she was going to be a mother to God’s Son. Would she be good enough? She was so young, and she and Joseph had nothing. Would she be able to give Him enough? Would she be able to teach Him everything He needed to know? Would she be who God needed her to be?

And then, here she was, traveling to Bethlehem to the census. Miserably pregnant. Her feet and hands swelling while she made the long journey. When they finally arrived, there was nowhere to stay. No room in the inn. The only place they could rest for the night was a stable…and then she went into labor.

What must have been going through her mind! The Son of God can’t be born in a stable surrounded by animals. The Son of God can’t lay in a manger of hay! This can’t be what God wants. This can’t be part of the plan. I’m not giving Him the start He needs. I can’t do this here. We’re alone! How can we do this? We sing about this beautiful Silent Night, but I imagine Mary’s mind was anything but silent as her anxiety took over.

But that humble beginning was all part of God’s perfect plan. Jesus left the glorious riches of heaven to take on human flesh and experience everything humans face, including poverty and plans gone awry. He didn’t need a picture-perfect beginning in some fancy place. He was exactly where He was supposed to be to begin His journey in this world.

I’m going to soak it all in today. I’m going to enjoy all our stops today, all the chaos that comes with family gatherings. I’m not going to stress about making everything perfect and capturing every moment. I’m going to shut off the voice in my mind that worries, today and every other day, and trust that God has it all under control. God chose Mary for a reason, and He chose us moms for our beautiful babies as well. If we surrender it all to Him, He will guide us and our children where we need to go. There is nothing that can or will happen that He won’t have in His hands.

Thank You, Jesus, for coming into this world. Thank You for coming here and loving us so much, knowing we may never really love you back. Thank You for Your sacrifice that we could never possibly deserve. Help us to remember You are the reason for it all, and to keep You at the center of our moments today and every day. We love You and give You all the glory!

A Grateful Heart

I recently gave an assignment to a group of students: a narrative essay with the topic: “Describe a time in your life that has changed you in some way.” I gave this group about a week to go through the stages of the essay – planning, pre-writing, writing a rough draft, editing and revising, and finally, submitting. I’ve never seen this normally chatty group so quiet as they hunkered over their computers and typed. I could tell they were working hard, and I looked forward to the completed projects.

But then I began to grade them. It took me just over a week to grade them all – an unusually long time for me to grade 27 essays. But I found myself repeatedly following the same pattern: read and grade an essay or two, then have to leave the computer screen to wipe away my tears and take my mind off what I’d just read for a bit. These students, just junior high-aged, had already been through more terrible things than I could have ever imagined at their age. As I read their stories, I wept for them. How could we, as their teachers, expect them to come to school and care about subject-verb agreement and algebra when they faced unimaginable things at home? I won’t go into detail to protect the privacy of my students, but you can imagine what some of them had dealt with: absent parents. Parents or siblings on drugs. Hunger. The devastation that comes from the loss of someone special. Reading their descriptions of events that happened at such a young age was overwhelming. They broke my heart…not just for the students, but for their families who had navigated through hard times. Grading those essays was one of those eye-opening experiences that reminded me of how difficult it is living in this broken world.

I don’t know what you’re going through today. I don’t know what struggles you have. I don’t know how you’re grieving or hurting today. But I do know what it’s like to feel like the world you thought you knew is falling apart. I know what it feels like to harbor those bitter feelings and struggle to find reasons to be thankful. I know what it means to look through social media and see the “perfect” lives of those around you and wonder why God allowed you to go through what He did.

If I’ve learned anything from those experiences, it’s this: there’s a reason why the Bible encourages us over and over again to “be thankful.” Studies have shown the benefits of a grateful heart: better quality of life, better self-esteem, lower levels of stress and depression, better sleep, even better relationships. But I wasted a lot of time with the misguided impression that when I was HAPPY again, then I would be THANKFUL. The truth is, it’s just the opposite. When you become THANKFUL, you will find HAPPY.

On Tuesday, I gave this same group of students a sheet of paper that simply said, “I am thankful for…” I challenged them to come up with at least fifty people/things to put on this sheet. At first some of them grumbled a little. “Fifty things? How will I come up with that many?” So we started talking about our blessings. Things we take for granted, like a meal from the school cafeteria, or a bed to sleep in – something almost two billion people in this world don’t have. Things like living in a free country. Laughter. Friendships. Love. By the time we finished talking, almost all of the students had fifty things. Many had over one hundred. This same group of students – students who had been through some horrific things – found so many things to be thankful for.

On this Thanksgiving, no matter what mountain you’re facing, take some time to look around and thank God for the blessings in your life. Jot them down and watch your list grow in ways you don’t even expect. As far as your problems and disappointments, take them to God. Paul wrote in Philippians, “In every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Here’s the thing: Paul didn’t write these words from the comfort of his home. He wrote them from prison. If anyone knew what it meant to face trouble, it was Paul. I think there is so much importance in those two little words: “with thanksgiving.” God wants you to come to Him with your worries and troubles. He wants you to lay them at His feet and trust Him to work for you. You can bring your requests to Him every single day and He will listen and answer those prayers. But don’t forget to thank Him for what He’s doing and what He’s already done in your life.

A grateful heart works like a magnet, attracting other things to be thankful for. When I began to take time each morning just to thank God, He changed my heart and my outlook on life. I am praying for all who read this today, that you will find reasons to thank God today and allow Him to work in your heart and in your life.

A Teacher’s Prayer

Lord, I come to You today, thankful for and humbled by the opportunity to begin teaching in another school year. I know You have placed me where You need me to be, and that every student on my class list is there because of Your perfect plan.

I know that You are in our building, in our hallways, and in our classrooms. I pray that You will protect us and guide us as we navigate through this school year. I pray for safety for all of our students and staff and families. I pray that You will help us to remember Your presence with us and help us to lean on You – on the difficult days and on the best days. Help us as teachers to support each other and to give our students our very best in all that we do.

I pray for each student that comes through my classroom door. I know there are students who want to be there, and students who don’t. I know there are students who can’t wait to learn and students who could care less about the content I teach. I know there are students who will excel and students who will struggle and many in between. I know I will see students who come from stable homes and loving families, and students who can’t wait to get to school just to get away from the lives they know for those few hours every day. I lift up each one of those students to You as we begin this new year. I know You have an amazing plan for every single one of them, and I ask You to help them all begin to find their purpose as You have made for them. I pray that no matter how they feel about beginning this school year, they will find success…that they will find friendships that help them get through the tough moments…that they will find comfort and security in our hallways and in our classrooms…that they will make wise choices to lead them down the right path. I pray that You will surround them with friends and teachers who will build them up and cheer them on, and that You will help them become someone who will encourage others as well.

Lord, I pray that every day, You will help me to remember to be grateful for the opportunity to be in this position. Help me to never take it for granted. Help me to always have a warm smile and reassuring words to offer to each student. Help me to stay positive and enthusiastic each day, no matter the circumstances. I pray that You will speak through me and help me to show Your love to all of my students. Fill me with Your patience for any situation that comes my way throughout this year. Please give me the ability to teach my subject in a way that will help all my students grow and succeed, but even more importantly, please give me the wisdom to know how to be there in whatever role they may need – teacher, mentor, counselor, or just an ear to listen.

God, we trust You and look to You as we begin another school year in a terrifying world. Help us to be Your light in the darkness that just seems to spread a little more all the time. I thank You for what You’re already doing and what You’re going to do in our time with our students this year. We give You the glory and the praise, in the name of Jesus. Amen.

An Except from “Perfect Promises for Youth”

Just wanted to share an except from my new youth devotional, Perfect Promises for Youth. It is my hope to share God’s promises with our youth, along with the strength, freedom, and abundant life that comes from following Him. Hope you enjoy the following devotion on confidence. You can find the book now on Amazon or in my Etsy store, as well as Perfect Promises for Kids, a devotional for young readers. Thank you for reading!

 

God Promises…

Confidence

                The Israelites, God’s chosen people, were about to be attacked. The Philistine army stood on a mountain, ready to strike. Only a valley lay between them. Goliath, a man from the Philistine army, came forward. He was huge – possibly as tall as nine feet. He was covered in heavy bronze armor. He walked ahead of the rest of his army, yelling out a challenge to the Israelites. “Choose a man for yourselves, and let him come down to me. If he is able to fight with me and kill me, then we will be your servants. But if I prevail against him and kill him, then you shall be our servants and serve us.”

The Israelites were terrified. For forty days, Goliath came forward, taunting them. No one stepped up to accept his challenge. Instead, they fled in fear.

Young David was a shepherd. David’s father sent him to the Israelite army to bring food to them and to check on his brothers. David got to see the giant firsthand and hear his mocking. But unlike the others, he didn’t cower. He went straight to the king and volunteered to be the one who took on the mighty Goliath.

Saul tried to refuse him. He told David he was just a boy, while this man was a war hero. In other words, David didn’t stand a chance. And Saul was right. David was totally unqualified for the job. He was a kid. He didn’t have the training. He didn’t have the size or the strength. He didn’t even have the armor for protection – it was too big for him. On paper, he was worthless. Doomed to fail.

But David had faith – not in himself, but in God.

He went up against the giant with just a sling and five rocks. Goliath laughed. He felt insulted that the Israelites had sent a kid to fight him. But David didn’t listen to his insults. He told Goliath that he came in God’s name and he knew God would deliver Goliath into his hands.

The very first rock he slung sank into Goliath’s forehead. The mighty giant had fallen.

The world preaches that we should have confidence…but it’s self-confidence. Believe in yourself. Stand tall. Be proud.

We need to understand this: apart from Him, we can do nothing. It is through His grace that we are forgiven. It is through His strength that we are strong.

When you have God on your side, you can have the confidence of David. No matter what Goliath stands in your way, you can call on His strength. Remember: God made the entire universe in just seven days. Is anything impossible for Him? If He is within you, if He is calling you to something, you will not fail.

            Don’t let the world tell you about your Goliath. Tell your Goliath about your mighty God.

______________________________________________________________________________

God, thank You for Your confidence. I know that nothing is impossible for You, and if You are within me, I will not fail. Help me to put my confidence in You.

Then he [Goliath] stood and cried out to the armies of Israel, and said to them, “Why have you come out to line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and you the servants of Saul? Choose a man for yourselves, and let him come down to me. If he is able to fight with me and kill me, then we will be your servants. But if I prevail against him and kill him, then you shall be our servants and serve us.” And the Philistine said, “I defy the armies of Israel this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.” When Saul and all Israel heard these words of the Philistine, they were dismayed and greatly afraid…

Then David said to Saul, “Let no man’s heart fail because of him; your servant will go and fight with this Philistine.”

And Saul said to David, “You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him; for you are a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.”…

Moreover David said, “The Lord, who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.”…

Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword, with a spear, and with a javelin. But I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you and take your head from you. And this day I will give the carcasses of the camp of the Philistines to the birds of the air and the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. Then all this assembly shall know that the Lord does not save with sword and spear; for the battle is the Lord’s, and He will give you into our hands.”

So it was, when the Philistine arose and came and drew near to meet David, that David hurried and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine. Then David put his hand in his bag and took out a stone; and he slung it and struck the Philistine in his forehead, so that the stone sank into his forehead, and he fell on his face to the earth.
– 1 Samuel 17:8-49

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. – Hebrews 4:16

Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. – 1 John 5:14

According to the eternal purpose which He accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through faith in Him. – Ephesians 3:11-12

The work of righteousness will be peace,
And the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever.
– Isaiah 32:17

Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. – Philippians 1:6

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7

For the Lord will be your confidence,
And will keep your foot from being caught.
– Proverbs 3:26

Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise. – Hebrews 10:35-36

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. – Matthew 6:34

So we may boldly say:
“The Lord is my helper;
I will not fear.
What can man do to me?”
– Hebrews 13:6

 

 

Soaking Up Each Moment

I woke up with a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach.

It actually started last night, but it’s bigger today.

Christmas Eve. My kids are bouncing around the house like crazy people, playing with the new toys they got last night and guessing, their eyes full of light, what they will get today at Nana & Papa’s house. They’re picking out cookies for Santa – cookies they’re so proud of as they decorated them with such care. It’s the most wonderful time of the year…isn’t it?

Today, for the first time in my entire life, I won’t be going to my Momaw & Papaw’s house for Christmas. In the craziness of the Christmas season, we have one less place to visit.

Last night, at our Candlelight Service at church, my dad and I did “O Holy Night.” It was Momaw’s favorite song, one that she requested of us every single year. I was excited to do the song to honor her, but as I looked back at her spot in the pew where we sit and saw it empty, I felt empty, too. It just wouldn’t be the same this year…and it never would be again.

This morning, as I worked in the kitchen to prepare for our lunch at my mom and dad’s, that little pit in my stomach grew. I wanted to go to their house. I even considered going there later, with my kids, just to look around. I longed for my family to go there – my siblings and cousins – just to sit around on her couches and talk while we watch our kids play. It was weighing me down, putting a damper on the excitement of the day.

So, I did what I always do when I don’t feel quite right – I went to God. I told Him how I was feeling, how I couldn’t stand the thought of missing their house today. How it hurt to sing her song when she wasn’t there to enjoy it.

And just like that, I saw a vision in my heart. A vision of Momaw and Papaw, sitting together, listening to the beautiful songs of the angel choir in heaven. How our version of “O Holy Night” must have paled in comparison! She gets to celebrate the birth of Jesus WITH JESUS. What a celebration it must be! I am so, so thankful that someday, I’ll be up there with them to celebrate.

I saw a viral blog post recently – a woman with young children who was encouraging us to “say no” to all the craziness and stress of the season and simplify. And she’s right, to a point – we need to slow down and concentrate on the reason behind it all – the birth of our Savior. He came to earth as a baby – a baby born to a poor, young couple. Instead of coming as a King, He came in a stable. It’s such an amazing, humbling thing; we need to pause and reflect on it all, and thank Him for His incredible love and sacrifice.

But here’s where, in my opinion, she got it wrong: I think we need to take it all in. All the stress, all the places to visit and gifts to buy and wrap and food to cook…we need to find a way to savor it. Because as the years pass, we find ourselves having fewer people to buy for and fewer celebrations to attend. And I would give ANYTHING to be able to go back to my Momaw and Papaw’s one more time for Christmas Eve. I would give anything to see them smiling as our kids open their presents, enjoying the craziness of it all.

So this Christmas season, let’s enjoy our families. I am so thankful for the places I DO have to go this season, and the people I have to celebrate with. I choose to concentrate on that and the love that surrounds me and my family. Let’s try to look past the stress and the chaos and soak it every moment. Because we never know how many moments we’ll have.

Thankful

My three-year-old just had one of those fits. Moms, you know the ones: those screaming at the top of his lungs, slamming his hands and feet on the floor, mother-of-all fits. If you DON’T know what I’m talking about…well, you must not have a toddler yet. And if you DO have a toddler but still don’t know what I’m talking about…well, don’t even tell me about it because if you do, I’m not sure we can be friends anymore. (Just kidding. Kind of.)

It was over something so ridiculous, of course. I had warm water ready in the tub for him, but he was in the middle of a game of Star Wars on the Wii. He had been playing for about an hour – he’d had plenty of time. And the kid needed a bath. I had let him skip one the night before, as he had stayed in his pjs all day at my parents’ house while I was at work and I knew he hadn’t gotten dirty. I doubted he had gotten too dirty at my grandma’s house today, either, but skipping two days in a row just wasn’t going to happen. “Come upstairs, Brayson,” I called. “Your bath is ready.”

“I don’t need bubbles,” he told me. “Just use a baby wipe.” He actually requests a “baby wipe” bath daily. Once in a while, if it’s a late night, he gets his way. But 99% of the time, he doesn’t.

“Come up here,” I told him again. “You have to have a bath tonight.”

“Go upstairs and take your bath,” I heard my husband tell him. “I’ll keep the game paused for you, and you can play when you get out.”

On regular nights, this is where the negotiation ends. He may still insist he doesn’t need a bath, but he will still come upstairs, no force required. He will get in the bathtub and maybe grumble the whole time I wash him, but he doesn’t fight me.

Tonight wasn’t a regular night.

The next thing I heard was his little voice screaming at my husband. “QUIT!”

I then heard the Wii turn off and the remote being taken away.

He had progressed to a full-on cry at this point. My husband carried him up the stairs, while he kicked his little feet as fast as he could. He tried to smack my husband, which warranted a much-deserved swat on his behind. I took him at this point – I had to hold him like a football to get him into the bathroom. I took his clothes off of him while he fought me the whole way, then basically dumped him into the bathtub. He smacked his hands on the water, throwing it all over me. I pushed through. By the time I was done, I was probably as wet as he was, but dang it, he was clean.

Why am I going into so much detail over a hissy fit? Well, I want you to get the full picture. My sweet baby boy…the one you see on Facebook or Instagram or whatever else I post on…was gone. In his place was a crazy person. A person determined to get his way. A person convinced that he was right, when in reality, his parents knew better.

But what happened next – it’s the part that matters. It’s why I’m sharing this story in the first place.

I stood him up and grabbed his Batman towel that hung on the back of the door. When I turned around, his crying had stopped. His little arms were up in the air, and his hands were motioning for me. “I want Momma.”

I wrapped the towel around him and pulled him to me. He wrapped those little arms around me and hugged me tightly. “I love you, Momma,” he said through his sniffles.

“Shhh,” I soothed him. “Momma loves you, too.”

“I will always love you,” he said.

I melted. “I will always love you, too. Even when you have a hissy fit.” And just like that, all was forgiven.

I held him in my lap while I put his favorite Darth Vader pajamas on him. As I straightened his cape, I hugged him again, overwhelmed with gratitude that God chose me to be his mother. That’s when I heard God speak to my heart, and I wanted to share this message with you.

Parents, you know that no matter what your kids do – even when you want to scream at them or shake them – there is nothing that could change your love for them. Listen, I realize that as he grows up, he will probably do way worse than throw a fit over a bath. But I also know that he could never do something to make me love him less. Because I’m his mom. And Moms, no matter how they upset you, or let you down, or anger you, you still love them with all your heart. You would still give anything you could for them, including your own life. Your love for them is not conditional. It is not contingent upon good behavior. It doesn’t come with a list of rules they must follow in order to “earn” it. It just is. On the good days. On the bad days. It will always be there, no matter what.

That love, that unconditional, parental love, is the closest glimpse we have of God’s love for us. Because He loves you with an unfailing, unchanging love. No matter what you do. On your good days. On your bad days. He loves you when you screw up. He loves you when you are convinced you know what’s best for your life, when He, as your Father, knows better. He doesn’t love you because you have done something to earn it. He loves you, despite your flaws. Despite your shortcomings. And He would give anything He could for you – including His own life. HE ALREADY DID THAT ON THE CROSS. When you do mess up, He is waiting right there, ready to take you in His arms and soothe you – to forgive you.

This is the season for thanksgiving. To reflect on all of our blessings with gratitude. I don’t know what’s going on in your life. Maybe you have a lot to be thankful for. Or maybe you’re facing trials that make it hard to even remember what those blessings are. But if you can think of NOTHING to be thankful for besides God’s love for you and His sacrifice, know that HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. No matter what’s going on in your life, He is there. He never promised life would be easy, but He promised to be there with you…through anything. Ask Him to give you His strength. Ask Him for His peace. He can bring you comfort when you never imagined you could feel it. He can take that trial – no matter what it is – and bring blessings from it. In fact, He promises just that. Romans 8:28 tells us He will work ALL things for our good.

Many people can quote Philippians 4:13: “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” Who doesn’t love the image of power that comes with this verse? But if you read it in context, Paul actually has a different message. The verse right before it says, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” He immediately follows with “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” Paul is talking about what it means to be content. To be joyful and at peace, no matter what’s going on around you. To be content, in the midst of pain. Loss. Need.

The secret to that contentment is in God.

No matter what you’ve done, God loves you. No matter what’s going on in your life, He’s there. He may not change your circumstances. But He can give you the peace and strength and comfort you need to get through anything. Just ask Him for it. Ask Him to come into your heart. Ask Him to work in your life and more importantly, in you. No matter what you’ve done, you’re never too far gone for Him to take you back. He is waiting. His arms are open wide.

This Thanksgiving, as you count your blessings, remember to thank Him for His faithful, unconditional love – a love that is bigger than we can possibly understand. And no matter where this holiday season finds you in life, He is right there with you. He can help you find contentment in the midst of the chaos. Just trust Him to do what He promised.

Love and Loss

October 21, 2018. Sunday morning. I rushed around the house like most Sunday mornings, going about my usual routine of getting my family ready for church.

But then I got the phone call that not only changed my plans, but my life – my eighty-three-year-old Momaw had finally stopped fighting. She was gone.

As Chad and the boys and I drove to Wabash Christian nursing home to see her and be with my family before they took her body to the funeral home, my mind raced. An incoherent jumble of thoughts: childhood memories of swimming in her pool, then coming in to a “strawberry soda”(ice cream and strawberry crush) because she knew my cousins and I would be hungry; watching my children play with things she brought from her purse as we sat in church; her laughter. We sat at a stoplight in Carmi and I watched all the other cars around us, feeling jealous as they went on about their day, oblivious to the pain in my heart. It wasn’t fair that the rest of the world kept turning when for my family, it had stopped.

She was one of the strongest women I knew. Even through her battle with cancer, I sat next to her and listened with a full heart in church every week as she stood up and gave God glory and praise in front of the whole congregation. She had to be weak from the chemo and radiation, but she pretended not to be. She constantly thanked God for giving her strength and comfort through the process – an inspiration to our whole family. We knew she was hurting on the inside, but she knew how to look for her blessings in the midst of the trial. And I know that’s where her strength came from.

Family was everything to her. She was happiest every Thanksgiving as she cooked a big meal for all of us and just sat around the table, listening to the chaos that came with our family get-togethers. Kids chased each other and screamed (along with some of the adults who are really just big kids). We talked and caught up on things that went on in our lives and while she contributed to the conversation, she also just sat and smiled, listening with contentment.

When we, like all families, had an issue – when a situation found some of us angry with others in the family – she called me. “Katy, I’m not mad at anyone.”

I smiled. “I know, Momaw.” The truth was, I was still processing the whole situation. I didn’t agree with some of the things that had happened, but I wasn’t sure what to do about it. It didn’t really involve me, but it involved some of my immediate family and in my loyalty to them, I felt some anger, too.

“Listen,” she continued, interrupting my thoughts. “Life is too short to fight. I choose to forgive, even before apologies have been given.”

I swallowed, fighting back tears. “You’re right, Momaw. Thank you.” There was the wisdom I had been praying for – like He often did, He told me what I needed to hear through Momaw.

She was fiercely loyal. When I was going through the darkest time in my life – when I experienced the ultimate betrayal, feeling lost as I packed up and moved with my newborn son back to Ridgway, where I’d grown up – she called me. “You will get through this. You will be okay. We are all here for you.” Her words echoed the words I had heard from so many in my family – and I was thankful for the support. But to be honest, it didn’t bring much comfort. I was terrified. I had to start over? I had to be a single mom? Of course, I thanked her, but I doubted what she said. I wasn’t sure I would ever be okay again.

I went to her house that weekend, seeking the comfort that came when around my family. All over her house, Momaw kept lots of pictures of our family. As I walked around and looked at them, I started to notice small lime green Post-it notes stuck on some of them. I leaned in closer and noticed that those Post-its covered up the link who was no longer part of our family – the one who had betrayed me. As I scanned the pictures, noticing more and more mini Post-it notes over his face, I started to giggle. Soon, it progressed to laughter. Like, real laughter. For the first time since it had all happened, I truly laughed. This was her small way of showing her solidarity. And it was hilarious. For whatever reason, her words and the words of the rest of my family finally began to sink in. I really was going to be okay. Someday.

But a few months later, as I still struggled in my anger with him and the whole situation, she leaned over and grabbed my arm. “You have to be friends with him.” I gave her a look, which she ignored. “You have to,” she insisted. “Not for you, but for Aven. You have to get along with him and keep the peace.”

I nodded, though inside, I thought, yeah right. Like that will ever happen. But her words stayed with me. And guess what? She was right. After a lot of prayer, I reached the point that I was able to do that. It will be the best thing for my son – he won’t have to see or hear us fight, won’t have to feel like he’s caught in the middle or betraying me if he wants to spend some time with his dad. Once again, God had sent His wisdom through Momaw.

She found joy in the smallest things. She loved her hummingbirds, and spent lots of time watching them eat from the feeders that hung around her sun room. She probably spent just as much time refilling those feeders several times a day, but it was worth it for her. She enjoyed them so much.

When she finished her chemo and radiation and the doctor told her the next step was surgery to take out the remaining tumor, she frowned. It was March. “Can I please get my flowers planted first?” Her flowers – another one of her joys – meant so much to her. She traveled around to different greenhouses and brought home flowers that filled her yard each spring, and she loved taking care of them and looking for them. He laughed and agreed, not knowing she never actually intended to go through with that surgery.

She was so generous. She would literally give anybody anything she thought they needed. She shared whatever she had. But she had a feisty streak – anyone who knew her can attest to that. Once at a local festival, my dad’s band played. She came to watch them, then they all stayed to watch Jerry Reed play after he was finished. My dad stood next to her, when suddenly, he saw a brown whirlwind fly past from the corner of his eye, hitting an obnoxious man who stood a few feet in front of them.

Dad looked over at Momaw and noticed she was no longer holding the brown paper trash sack from the food she’d eaten. He stared at her, then back at the man, then back at her. “Sue,” he finally said, “if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear you just threw that trash bag at that man up there.”

Momaw leaned over, getting closer to my dad. “He needed to sit down.” Then she went back to watching the show. No further explanation or apology needed.

She was fiercely independent. Here she was, eighty three years old and battling cancer, and she insisted she still mow her own yard. She didn’t want anyone else to do it, especially around her house – they might mess up some of her beautiful flowers. When people would offer to drive her places, she would roll her eyes at me. “They think I’m an invalid. I can drive. I can get around.” So when she got it in her head that she wasn’t going to have that surgery, there was nothing we could say to talk her into it. “I’m too old for surgery. I’m not going to do it.”

She even asked a local doctor what would happen if she refused the surgery. The doctor, a friend of our family, was honest. “You will die.”

She nodded. “That’s okay,” she said.

She didn’t fear death. She knew where she was going. And when my Papaw died four years earlier, something inside of her changed. She had lost her best friend, and to be honest, her will to go on. Sure, she loved us. She loved watching her great-grandkids play. (As long as they weren’t being too rowdy – then she’d be quick to try to make them settle down.) But when Papaw died, a piece of her died, too.

I remember being at her house the day he died, sitting on the floor next to the couch where she sat. I watched her – the light in her eyes was gone, replaced by an emptiness I’d never seen before. We sat in silence for a while before she sighed. “We were supposed to grow old together,” she said.

It knocked the wind out of me. They had been married for sixty years – yet for her, it wasn’t long enough. He was truly her best friend, her world, her life. I looked across the room at my new husband of just a few months and held my stomach – the baby we’d just found out we were going to have. I closed my eyes. Lord, please let us have that. Please let us love like that, no matter what the years bring.

She was a rock for our family. She held us together when our crazy lives took us in all different directions. Her wisdom is instilled in all of us, and we will carry that with us as we go on.

Later on that day she died, I went to her house with my mom and sister to help pick out the outfit she would wear for the funeral. I ached for my own loss, but I ached even more for my mom, whose deep pain seemed to be engraved in her eyes and on her face. And for my sister, her eyes puffy from a never-ending stream of tears. As I left, upset and hurting, “I Can Only Imagine” came on the radio. And when I pictured her up there in Jesus’s arms, I smiled. She was no longer in pain. She was finally reunited with Papaw – something she’d wanted all along. Some of the pain was lifted at that moment.

My seven-year-old son, Aven, said that night, “Mom, Momaw doesn’t need her wheelchair in heaven, does she?”

“No, she doesn’t.” I smiled. “She’s running around up there. Spending time with Papaw and Jesus.”

Brayson, my three-year-old, said, “When I go to heaven, will Jesus play toys with me?”

I hugged him. “I’m sure He will. He will love to do that.”

Brayson nodded, his little face so serious. “He can be Luke Skywalker when we play Star Wars.”

God showed me, in the middle of the pain and sadness, the blessings that were all around me. Momaw is gone, but I will see her again. And while I’m still here, I’m surrounded by love. I’m thankful for the time I had with her. I’m thankful for the family I have who are still here – I am surrounded by strong, Christian men and women, and we can lean on each other in this difficult time. I’m thankful for a loving, merciful God who loves and forgives me and helps me to love and forgive others.

As we deal with her loss, we take comfort knowing that we will be together again in heaven. My prayer today is that you – whoever you are – can say with confidence that you will be there, too. If you can’t, talk to Jesus. Invite Him into your heart. Let Him work in in your heart and give you a life you never even dreamed of. Let Him surround you with His peace and rest in life’s difficult times. Let Him show you His plan for your life; trust me, I can tell you from experience that His plans are better than anything you could plan for yourself. Come to Him, just as you are. He loves you, no matter where you are in life, no matter what you’ve been through or done or gotten yourself into. Let Him guide you through your days on this earth, and find hope in Him for an eternity we can only imagine.

Freedom

This week, we celebrated Independence Day. Like everyone else, I spent the day with my family and watched fireworks and thanked God for this beautiful country and what it represents. Even in our nation’s horribly divided state, I am still thankful to live in the United States, where I am FREE. I can be what I want to be.  I can worship freely in our little church whenever I want with no worries of persecution. If I want to stand in the streets and proclaim my faith, no one will take me to jail or beat me for it – which is much more than my Christian brothers and sisters from many other countries can say. I am thankful for the men and women who have given their lives to give me that freedom.

I am working my way back through the Old Testament, reading stories I’ve heard since I was a kid – stories of Biblical heroes. Stories of men chosen by God to do His great work. But one thing I’ve noticed that means a lot more to me as an adult is that those “heroes” were anything but heroic at times.

Jacob, who is considered a man of God for his great trust in Him, was a deceiver. He tricked his brother, Esau, out of the inheritance he deserved and tricked his blind father into giving him Esau’s blessing. Yet God used him anyway. He didn’t wait for him to be a “good guy,” didn’t wait until he had it all together before he spoke to him and worked through him. And Jacob repented of those mistakes. He humbly sought his brother’s forgiveness and depended on God to restore their relationship.

Moses is one of my favorite stories. He had somewhat of a rough start, as he was born in a time when newborn male Israelites were to be put to death by order of the Pharaoh. I can’t imagine being in his mother’s shoes as she tried her best to hide him and ultimately decided to leave him in a basket in the tall grass by the water to let the Pharaoh’s daughter find him and raise him. She took him in as her own son, which could have changed his fate forever – he could have been royalty. But Moses knew the truth about who he was, and after he grew, he couldn’t stand to sit back and live in luxury while he watched his own people beaten at the Egyptian’s hands. One day, it became too much for him. His anger overtook him as he watched an Egyptian beat an Israelite, and he attacked and killed the Egyptian. Moses went into exile, terrified he would be killed for what he did and ashamed of his own confusing past. But that’s when God spoke to him and told him he would use him to deliver the Israelites from the Egyptians. Moses used excuse after excuse not to go. He told God he was unfit to be a leader – who was he? Who would listen to him? How would he even talk to the Israelites with his speech impediment? But God didn’t care about any of that. He would use Moses just as he was – flaws and troubled past and all. And when Moses finally gave in and let go of his fears and baggage, God used him to do amazing things. He delivered the Israelites from slavery, just as God promised he would.

I am not even trying to compare myself to one of the Biblical giants we read about in the Old Testament. I am not a Jacob or a Moses. But like them, I have flaws. And I have a past. I remember a time in my life when I would think about talking to God again, after a very long absence from Him. But then I would think about the sin I lived in and say to myself, “When I get it together, I’ll come back to Him. Some day.”

I had it all wrong! God doesn’t want us to wait until we’re “good enough” to come to him. He’s ready to use us, just as we are, flaws and all. And He wants to give us freedom from that past that haunts us. So many people think that life with God is about rules – do this, don’t do that. But when we reduce it to that, we’re missing the point. It’s about FREEDOM. Freedom from those chains of past sins and mistakes. He can and will forgive anything you’ve ever done, and you’re never too far gone to come to Him. When He looks at you, He sees love. He sees the person He created and the person He made you to be. People will remember your mistakes. They will remember your past. But the Bible tells us that God doesn’t see us the way people see us. “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).

So while I’m thankful for the freedom we have in this country, I’m even more thankful for the freedom that comes from life in Christ. He’s ready to give you that freedom, no matter who you are, where you come from, and what you’ve done. You don’t have to fix your life before you come to Him. He is waiting with open arms to take you in, just as you are. Don’t do what I did, wasting your time living in the chains of sin, thinking you will “fix yourself” before you come before God. Let Him work in you today, messy past and sin and all.