Filling the Void

The message I have tonight is a simple one. But it’s something God put on my heart days ago, something I feel He wants me to share. In fact, He actually gave me the opportunity to talk about this with two different people – two totally different situations – in the past four days. If that doesn’t tell me He wants me to share this, I don’t know what will.

I want to share a small part of my testimony that comes from my time in college. I enjoyed my time there – loved my classes, my professors, and most of all, my friends. The girls in my sorority were my family away from home. But I would suspect that many of those girls who knew me then wouldn’t even recognize me now.

During that time, I was searching for something – trying to fill a void in my life I didn’t even realize existed. In the freedom that came with living away from home for the first time, I made my own choices.

One of those choices was to leave church.

It wasn’t like I woke up one day and thought to myself, I’m not going to church anymore. It happened gradually. Late Saturday nights out with my friends led to sleeping in on Sunday mornings and laughing over late breakfasts.

When guilt pangs arose, I justified it. This is college. It’s normal. 

I remember a few specific moments, wandering out of the club at two a.m., thinking, You should go to church tomorrow. Get up early – drive home. And I actually did it several times. But when I walked into the church and looked around at all the “good” people, my bar stamp still faintly present on my hand, Satan whispered in my ear. You’re a hypocrite. Who are you kidding? You don’t belong here. God can’t love you when you’re living like this.

I let his voice keep me away until eventually, those guilt pangs stilled. After all, you don’t need to go to church to be a Christian, right?

But my hectic lifestyle left me “too busy” to read my Bible. I don’t think I even had one in my room in the sorority house – all my study Bibles from high school still rested on my nightstand back home.  More than once I eyed them while visiting my parents, but I never took one back to school with me. The idea of opening it, of trying to connect with God, seemed daunting. Days passed without prayer. Those days turned into weeks, into months.

I was too far gone, too far away from Him. I couldn’t come back to Him when I knew I was living a life He never intended for me. I would come back to Him someday – when college was over. When I could get my life together. Then I would get back in church…start praying again…read my Bible.

If you talked to anyone who knew me in college, they would describe a very different person. I don’t think most of my friends knew the emptiness I felt inside. I filled it with so many other things – school, work, friends, parties. I fooled a lot of people. Especially myself. When that emptiness rose from my stomach into my throat, threatening to choke me, I rationalized it. When _____ finally happens, you won’t feel like this anymore. Until it happened, and I still felt incomplete. When you get _____, things will be right. Until I got it, and I was still lost.

That magical day when my life would “come together” never came. College came and went, but I only continued to distance myself. My life spiraled out of my control, and one bad decision led to another until I hit a point so low I had no choice but to cry out to God. Finally, I surrendered. And in the midst of the chaos, He restored my peace.

It wasn’t until then that I realized how messed up my old logic was. God didn’t want me to wait, to get my life together and THEN seek Him. He wanted me just as I was – broken, searching, living a life that didn’t include Him. The Bible tells us that His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). If I had come to Him, just as I was, He could have filled that void so much sooner. He would have opened His arms and taken me in…flaws, sin, and all. He could have begun a work in me way before I finally allowed Him to. He could have saved me from a lot of bumps and bruises along my path.

I’m sharing this message tonight in case there’s anyone out there – even one person – who’s going through what I went through. Who knows there’s something missing inside of them, but isn’t sure what it is or how to fix it. I can tell you from years and years of mistakes and false glimpses of happiness that He is the only answer out there. His love is the only thing that will truly fill that void.

And above all, don’t wait to come to Him. Don’t wait for the day when you are “worthy” to come to Him – when you are a “better person” – because the truth is, that day will never come. We aren’t allowed to come to Him because of anything we’ve done…it’s His unchanging, unfailing love that gives us that opportunity. It’s because of His grace alone, grace that is offered to anyone who accepts it, regardless of who we are or what we’ve done. As someone once put it, you don’t wait until you’re healthy to see a doctor; you go when you’re sick. Come to Him when you’re broken. Let his power be made perfect in your weakness. Jesus didn’t come here for perfect people. He came for the damaged, the wrecked. The ones who needed a Savior.

I am one of the lucky ones: I found Him before it was too late. But the reality is, many won’t get that same luxury. We don’t know what tomorrow holds. Seek Him now, just as you are. He’s waiting with arms wide open.

An Open Letter to my Boys

Celebrating my oldest son’s fifth birthday this week has my mind going in a million different directions. For five years, I’ve watched him grow and change, watched him learn new things and experience some of the best that life has to offer. I got to see his face light up when he made his first shot in a basketball goal. I beamed with pride the first time he carried his monster guitar to the front of the church and played a song for our church family. I laughed as I watched the celebration dance he did the first time he scored a hole-in-one in putt-putt golf. I got to hold his hand as he put his toes in the sand for the first time. I had to let go when he finally decided he was brave enough to run out into the ocean, his hands stretched wide and his smile stretched even wider.

I am so thankful for all of the joy that he has brought to our lives, and I am in still in awe that God allowed me to carry him for nine months and bring him into this world, that He trusted me enough to raise this boy the best that I know how to do. I can’t believe I get to be there for every step, to celebrate life’s victories with him and hold him when things get tough.

But this birthday is almost bittersweet, because I know it brings changes. Five years old means one more step toward independence, toward that scary place called school, where Mommy won’t be there to protect him and correct him and make sure he makes the right choices. As he continues to grow, that independence will only grow, too. And I just can’t let that happen without saying a few things that I want him to know, that I want both of my sons to know as they make their way through this crazy world.

This is an open letter to my babies – though my oldest doesn’t always see himself as “mommy’s baby” these days.

 

To my sweet boys,

I am so blessed to have you both in my life. I love watching your personalities develop, your brains working as you work and learn new things. Even in the most difficult of moments, you are my two greatest joys in this world.

You’re going to find as you continue to grow that people are going to be quick to offer you advice. Some of that advice will be priceless; some of it, though well-intentioned, will be useless. And with that thought in mind, I want to convey to you what I have learned throughout my life, what I know in my heart is all that you need to know in order to live a life that’s full.

First of all, you need to understand that there is a Creator up there, One who spoke into the void and created ALL OF THIS with only his voice. He told the light to exist, and it appeared. And this same God who made the mountains and the oceans all those years ago already had YOU in mind. Don’t ever question what this life is for – don’t ever let anyone tell you that you don’t matter or that what you do doesn’t matter. Because God designed you so carefully with a specific purpose in mind, with intentions of giving you a life of fulfillment and freedom and joy. He gave you special gifts and talents that no one else can do like you. Figure out what those are, and use them every chance you get.

Our God is perfect and all-powerful and bigger than we can even comprehend. But even though we are so small, He loves us with a love that is unconditional, so much so that He sent His own son, Jesus, to take the fate that we deserve. That love continues even when we make mistakes. He knows that we’re not perfect – He knows when we will mess up before we even do it – yet He is quick to forgive if we just ask. This earthly life is temporary, but He has prepared a special place just for you in heaven, where you’ll never again feel sick or upset or angry. All you have to do is ask Jesus to come into your heart and let Him live through you. And Jesus…well, He’ll be the best friend you’ll ever know. Spend time with Him every day. Read your Bible and talk to Him. He’ll listen, and He’ll answer you. I promise. Don’t let the world fool you into believing that He won’t, that He’s too far away to hear you or that He’s this stiff, formal God that you can’t be real with. He’ll live inside of you. And He desperately wants to know you, the real you. Tell Him when you’re happy. Tell Him when you’re upset. Whatever you do, just talk to Him.

As you leave the safety of Mommy and Daddy World, you’re going to find that sometimes people can be cruel. They will disrespect you and treat you unfairly. But while the world will tell you to push them back, I’m going to tell you to love them. When they call you names, when they hurt your feelings, the only weapon you should use in return is prayer. Pray for them. Ask God to help you forgive them, even when it’s not easy. Because you know what? That same God who loved you and created you, loved THEM and created THEM. And that same God who forgives YOU when you mess up, forgives THEM just the same. In the end, the only one you’re hurting by holding a grudge against them is yourself. Give God your struggles and just love them any way you can. Some day, it won’t be between you and them – it will be between you and God.

I wish I could tell you that as you get older, things will get easier. But that’s not true. Growing up comes with responsibilities, and not all of them will be enjoyable. You will have teachers you don’t like, subjects you’re not good at in school. Try your best anyway. And you’re quickly going to learn that nothing comes for free. You will have bosses you don’t like, jobs you don’t enjoy. Put your all into it anyway. People will tell you things that you “have to do” in order to be successful…go to college, make good grades, get along with people. While there’s nothing wrong with any of those things, the truth is, those things won’t make or break your life. A day is coming when it won’t matter how much money you made or what kind of house you lived in. The only thing that will matter is that you gave everything you had to God, that you loved Him with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength, and that you showed His love to other people, too.

A day will come when you will choose a wife. My only advice in this category is this: wait for a woman who loves God more than she loves you.

If you remember these things, a lot of that other advice you will hear will just fall into place. People will tell you to do things that make you happy. And of course I want you to be happy. But I also know that happiness is fleeting, that it changes with the circumstances around you. And I also know that Satan is tricky, that he can make you believe that a sinful life will make you happy. But that JOY you will get only from God? That will never fade, even when your world seems to be falling apart around you.

As life continues to bring changes, remember that I will always love you. But even more importantly, God will always love you. Accept His love.

And even when you know you’re getting WAY TOO BIG to be my baby, just humor me and let me hold you once in a while.

Love, Mom